nedhepburn: I used to not understand it until I actually tried it: walking with a cup of Starbucks infront of me. It looked so stupid - the disaffected “I’ve just bought something that has been marked up 500% what it cost to make” look - the general swagger afforded upon walking with aforementioned cup of passably decent coffee - the way that it renders one hand utterly useless - but then I tried it. And by golly, I liked it. Perhaps it is the literal act of holding the cup out in front of you. Before you (acting as the worst shield ever) stands your totem to the fact that you are on the go, and you need caffine, and you are going places*. You have no time to dilly dally around in the cafe culture and “beau monde” affectations of the liberal counter culture. Fuck no. Not today. The simple cup of coffee you hold between you and others affords the cheapest ‘class tourism’ one can afford**. It’s the cheapest way for one to feel just that much more important than those around you. Much the same as walking briskly with your wrists squarely at your sides but your hands at a 90° angle (go ahead, try it) -  you feel a smug sense of superiority. Perhaps you DIDN’T get enough sleep last night (sex? drugs? meeting up with OTHER celebrities?) and actually NEED that cup o’ joe. Perhaps you are God’s gift to the world and the general weight of such makes you tired and lethargic. Perhaps not. The cup is a symbol of the last bastion of human hope in the free market economy: that if you work hard enough you’ll be able to afford it all. Perhaps it is also the fact that people in the two major cities take themselves just a wee bit too seriously; that the fashionistas in Soho and West Hollywood actually need to spend the extra $60 a month*** to remind themselves that they aren’t in Kansas anymore. If that is true (and I’m not saying it inherently is), we are all just searching for the cheapest way to set ourselves apart. True value of said coffee - one could argue - comes from the break it takes from our day to drink it, to sit and take the world in as we recharge our batteries which is precisely where celebritydom gets it wrong. So many shots of Mary Kate (Ashley?) holding a giant Starbucks cup. Why? And what for? Mary Kate Olsen is not Franklin Theodore Roosevelt****. The greatest known arbitrator of the Starbucks/celebrity link is in fact that of Harvey Levin, the “editor” of “news” site TMZ, who is spotted with a sippy cup(!) day in and day out on the show. With a straw. Guy drinks coffee through a straw. Because he is an adult*****. Is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my thing down, flip it, AND reverse it. I bought a latte and walked around the suburban California strip mall and instantly felt better about myself. My life was filled with confidence and joie de vivre. Women winked knowingly at my sexual prowess and virility while men nodded respectfully for they knew that I was better, better than them, because I carried my coffee with me. I was going places. Perhaps, I thought, to the moon. All dreams were now on line to succeed, and as I finished off the last few drops of caffeinated genuflection I realized that I could do anything - everything - as long as I had the coffee in my hand, between me and the Western world******. _______ *This does not work in the other 90% of the country. **Other examples of class tourism include but are not limited to: Jersey Shore Ironic (read: not the actual) consumption of Pabst Blue Ribbon. ***$3 average drink price x 5 days a week x 4 weeks in a month = $60  ****FDR drank a gallon of coffee every single day. *****Video proof. Thanks, Molls. ******It should be noted this is a cultural / status phenomenon particular only to Western culture. ladies and gentlemen, my friend, ned, brandishes his pen with prowess. 

nedhepburn:

I used to not understand it until I actually tried it: walking with a cup of Starbucks infront of me. It looked so stupid - the disaffected “I’ve just bought something that has been marked up 500% what it cost to make” look - the general swagger afforded upon walking with aforementioned cup of passably decent coffee - the way that it renders one hand utterly useless - but then I tried it. And by golly, I liked it.

Perhaps it is the literal act of holding the cup out in front of you. Before you (acting as the worst shield ever) stands your totem to the fact that you are on the go, and you need caffine, and you are going places*. You have no time to dilly dally around in the cafe culture and “beau monde” affectations of the liberal counter culture. Fuck no. Not today. The simple cup of coffee you hold between you and others affords the cheapest ‘class tourism’ one can afford**. It’s the cheapest way for one to feel just that much more important than those around you.

Much the same as walking briskly with your wrists squarely at your sides but your hands at a 90° angle (go ahead, try it) -  you feel a smug sense of superiority. Perhaps you DIDN’T get enough sleep last night (sex? drugs? meeting up with OTHER celebrities?) and actually NEED that cup o’ joe. Perhaps you are God’s gift to the world and the general weight of such makes you tired and lethargic. Perhaps not. The cup is a symbol of the last bastion of human hope in the free market economy: that if you work hard enough you’ll be able to afford it all.

Perhaps it is also the fact that people in the two major cities take themselves just a wee bit too seriously; that the fashionistas in Soho and West Hollywood actually need to spend the extra $60 a month*** to remind themselves that they aren’t in Kansas anymore.

If that is true (and I’m not saying it inherently is), we are all just searching for the cheapest way to set ourselves apart. True value of said coffee - one could argue - comes from the break it takes from our day to drink it, to sit and take the world in as we recharge our batteries which is precisely where celebritydom gets it wrong. So many shots of Mary Kate (Ashley?) holding a giant Starbucks cup. Why? And what for? Mary Kate Olsen is not Franklin Theodore Roosevelt****. The greatest known arbitrator of the Starbucks/celebrity link is in fact that of Harvey Levin, the “editor” of “news” site TMZ, who is spotted with a sippy cup(!) day in and day out on the show. With a straw. Guy drinks coffee through a straw. Because he is an adult*****.

Is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my thing down, flip it, AND reverse it. I bought a latte and walked around the suburban California strip mall and instantly felt better about myself. My life was filled with confidence and joie de vivre. Women winked knowingly at my sexual prowess and virility while men nodded respectfully for they knew that I was better, better than them, because I carried my coffee with me. I was going places. Perhaps, I thought, to the moon. All dreams were now on line to succeed, and as I finished off the last few drops of caffeinated genuflection I realized that I could do anything - everything - as long as I had the coffee in my hand, between me and the Western world******.

_______

*This does not work in the other 90% of the country.

**Other examples of class tourism include but are not limited to:

  • Jersey Shore
  • Ironic (read: not the actual) consumption of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

***$3 average drink price x 5 days a week x 4 weeks in a month = $60 

****FDR drank a gallon of coffee every single day.

*****Video proof. Thanks, Molls.

******It should be noted this is a cultural / status phenomenon particular only to Western culture.

ladies and gentlemen, my friend, ned, brandishes his pen with prowess. 

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